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The past few weeks I have been struggling with feeling like I was facing a hallway of closed doors. I had never really experienced this before. In fact, I usually feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of doors open to me. In terms of ministry, I really never had to search for a place to belong... I kinda got pulled into it (happily of course!). When I left Wisconsin to go to Seminary, I decided not to be in ministry the first year of school. Now, that I am going to start my second year in the fall, I believed that it was time for me to be up and doing something. I had this feeling of anxiety and "I am ready to go" but i did not know where to go. I prayed a lot for guidance about this and one thing that I heard clearly was that God wanted me to go to Him. Wow!!!! But it was truly something that needed to happen and once I rebalanced things in my life once more, doors have suddenly begun to open. Yet, I also learned another valuable lesson... that I can't just let things come to me, that sometimes I need to be more proactive in this area in my life.
It is truly amazing the difference that one conversation can make. I had a meeting with a professor today about some comments on my final papers. I didn't really know what to expect going in but I left so excited about the fall and my role in Phoenix Seminary. While I have my issues with the sometimes conservative bubble that I feel some student walk around in, I love the humble attitude and graciously spent time of the professors. I was just so encouraged by this professors belief that I had something to say and I so appreciated his constructive criticism and ideas for ways to improve my papers and positions on topics.
I have just been so blessed lately to have wonderful people really make astute observations about my life that have pushed me forward into making some really remarkable (for me anyways) changes. A dear friend of mine has recently made an observation about how I don't make friends and I let friends make me. I have some amazing friends, but it is true that I tend to let them pursue me and that I often gauge their love for me in ways that aren't entirely fair. For many reasons stemming from childhood that I do not need to go into here, I have a difficult time seeing my self worth in my friend's eyes. I make them come to me to prove that they are good friends and to prove that I am worthy of being there friend. That needs to stop now, especially as I move forward in ministry and will most definitely have to make friends without the buffer of those who I already trust.
Yes, this was a long post, but I am so excited about the ways that God has been pushing me to recognize hurts and become a better friend. I am so excited for the doors that are opening not just in my life but it the lives of dear friends who I think are going to change the world. I believe that by the end of the summer, things around here are going to be drastically different and that the Church will be renewed in its mission to the world's needy and lost. I will continue to pray and I encourage you all to do so as we see what great things God has coming!